Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Hating Black women

I recently came across a book written by a self-described “touring stand-up comedian, day trader, filmmaker and lecturer” named Rajen Persaud. The book is entitled “Why Black Men Love White Women.” I found the book’s title startling, primarily because it explicitly acknowledged a fact of which many in the black community are acutely aware, but that is rarely openly discussed: that black men love white women. Not only do individual black men love individual white women, but the collective Black Man loves collective White Womanhood. Accordingly, it was not the assertion that black men love white women that in and of itself startled me; it was the fact that a black man was openly and unreservedly admitting as much.

While many black men actively express love, admiration, and desire for white women, that loving white women is an inherent part of black manhood in the West is not something that black men like to openly admit. Their adoration of white women is an uncomfortable fact for many black men to face, since this love seems to play neatly into stereotypes about uncontrollable “animal” lust for white flesh that black people, especially black women, have actively campaigned against. Lynching, Black Codes, Jim Crow: all were strongly premised on the stereotype that black men want white women so badly that unless severely restrained, they will force themselves on any and every white woman they come across. Additionally, and perhaps more significantly, black men are deeply uncomfortable with the conundrum presented by loving the daughter, the sister, the very womb that produces their declared enemy. Even Mr. Persaud seems incapable of facing the centrality of this latter issue, since, despite his refreshing candor in titling his book, its gravamen has as much to do with hatred for black women as it does love for white women. As a sampling of his chapter headings suggest (“Soiled”; “Media: Hollywood, Phillis, and Halle”; “Black Women are Gold Diggers”; “Sisters Have an Attitude”), facing the significance and practical implications of their love of whiteness is difficult for many black men. Instead, these emotions are channeled into loathing of black women, which is justified by cataloging black women’s myriad “shortcomings.” This allows black men to claim to be proud and self-loving, while simultaneously adoring and esteeming all things white.

Mr. Persaud begins his book with the contention that any exploration of black male love for white women must begin “with the white man.” This is a common-place tactic; it is difficult for black men in the West to begin any discussion or critical analysis of any issue without circling back to white men, especially if the resulting discourse will be less than flattering to black men. It is not that white supremacy is irrelevant to the Mr. Persaud’s analysis; it is that such a focus provides little insight into why black men have so passionately and heedlessly embraced this particular element of white supremacist ideology. This vagueness is reminiscent of Betty Friedan’s “problem that has no name.” Except this problem does have a name: racio-misogyny, i.e., hatred of black women. It is simply a name that black men refuse to face or speak aloud.

Whether denominated as racio-misogyny or not, the root of black male hatred of black women (and the fruit of their wombs, black children), is the conceptualization of women as objects. Objects have relative value, and in the hierarchy of feminine objects in the West, the value of black women is low. As Mr. Persaud puts it, black women are “soiled,” stigmatized by a history of oppression and exploitation as used, valueless goods. When black men look at black women and children, they see the shame of emasculation, of inadequacy, of the inability to protect and provide. And rather than being enraged and inspired by this experience of being unmanned to fight for their dependents, black men seek to escape them, and the pain of feeling like less than men. Instead of confronting white men (which would be dangerous and possibly lethal,) they focus their frustration on the defenseless that no one will defend.

White women, on the other hand, have the highest value as objects. To men who feel like nothing, a white or white-skinned woman is a tangible accomplishment; a thing that they can point to which immediately frees them from the burden of blackness. In the words of Frantz Fanon “By loving me she [his white woman] proves that I am worthy of white love. I am loved like a white man. I am a white man. I marry the culture, white beauty, white whiteness. When my restless hands caress those white breasts, they grasp white civilization and dignity and make them mine.” (Emphasis added). White women are the prize, and black men are eagerly claiming that prize after the exhausting struggles for manumission and Civil Rights. They may not have gained real access to equal work, equal pay, equal wealth or equal opportunity; but black men have gained access to the bodies of white women. In the face of so many losses, possessing a white or non-black woman feels like a sufficient win for many black men. Thus, black men embrace the pornified Big Black Brute role that at least grants them psychological dominion over women in search of titillation and sexual adventurism--all while the “community” languishes, and, ironically, black boys and young black men pay the greatest price for the neglect and escapism of their fathers.

But racio-misogyny does not only ensnare and victimize black men. It also controls the hearts and minds of the “loyal opposition,” i.e., brainwashed black women, who play a crucial role in enforcing the “community’s” Anti-Black Woman agenda. It is black women who actively degrade and insult dark-skinned black women while treating light-skinned women with almost worshipful admiration (go to any black “entertainment” website to see examples of the mocking belittlement that the Williams Sisters, Naomi Campbell, Tamika Raymond, Foxy Brown, etc. are subjected to, vs. the unquestioning adoration reserved for Rihanna, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, or the latest “exotic” video vixen/“jumpoff”). It is black women who attack and demean black women who seek child support and active fathering for their children as “gold diggers” and evil nags. It is black women who denigrate unwed black mothers for their OOW childbearing, as if such women conceive through the process of Immaculate Conception. It is black women who attack black women who date/marry interracially, while defending the interracial mating prerogatives of black men Thus, we witness the sad and bizarre spectacle of black women (most of whom are not and never will be married), living vicariously through morally questionable white women like Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kendra Baskett, Nicole “Coco” Austin, and Vanessa Bryant, based solely on these women’s relationships with black men. Black women can even be seen taking sides in the disputes manufactured by the celebrity media between these women, excitedly proclaiming themselves “Team Rihanna” or “Team Kim.” Just as DBRBM long for white and “exotic” women to fill the void within, mulish black women long for the love of black men, even if the only way they can experience it is to fantasize themselves in the real-life positions of the non-black women that these men actually want. How else to explain the predominately black female audiences for VH1 “reality” dating programs such as “For the Love of Ray J,” “A Real Chance at Love,” the “T.O. Show,” “Ochocinco: the Ultimate Catch,” etc., in which black women watch black men romance dozens of mostly non-black/biracial women, while the audience chooses their “favorites” among the female contestants to cheer on--in a competition in which no one who looks like the audience members, no matter how beautiful, would ever be chosen to compete?

It is black women above all who are the most entrenched and active promoters of the “Black Love Paradigm,” which both esteems any and all relationships between black men and women (regardless of the quality or functionality of said relationships) above all others, and contends in the face of all objective evidence that there are multitudes of worthy, functional, black-women loving black men ready and eager to marry black women, father black children, and provide for black families. This belief is the dearly held meme of the mule crowd, the lifeforce that sustains them, and the only way it can persist in the face of reality is for the true believers to continue a sustained assault on any and everything about other black women, from their hair to their complexions to their figures to their very characters. At the root of all of this denigration is the need to bolster and justify black men, no matter what they do. Mules understand instinctively that the only way that the conduct of black men vis-à-vis black women, children and the precious “community” can be legitimized is if black women are utterly demonized. And like loyal mammies, they reflexively cradle black men to their bosoms, while simultaneously undermining other black women at every turn, understanding implicitly that this is what they must do if black men are to reclaim their tattered and prized “masculinity.”

It is absolutely crucial for black women who want the healthy, happy lives that they deserve to recognize that the very foundation of the currently formulated black community is constructed around the devaluation of black women and children. It is no more and no less. Loyalty to this community requires disloyalty to your own well-being and your very survival as black women. This is not simply a matter of who you date or marry, though one’s choice of mate is a crucial factor in the ability to escape this quagmire. The same caution and discretion must be exercised in one’s choice of friends, acquaintances, neighbors, business and professional colleagues, and even those members of your family who you choose to include in your life. Detaching from this dysfunctional, pathological community must be job one!

58 comments:

Sandra77 said...

Aimee, welcome back. And may I say that you nailed this essay. This demonization of BW by BM and BM-Identified BW is serious as a heart attack and AIDS combined! Every BW who can had better escape from the BC now.

Aimee said...

Hey, Sandra77! How's it going?

In many ways I am feeling hopeful--in my neck of the woods (North Jersey/NYC metro) I am seeing more and more BW/non-BM couples, and I see more and more BW who seem to be refusing to drink the kool-aid. But there is a real crisis out there, so I felt compelled to speak on it. Sisters can't just get a degree and achieve professionally--they really do have to get away from these toxic 'hoods, and the toxic mentalities trying to entrap them and suck them dry. The "community" knows that its only real resource is its vibrant, talented, hard-working young women. These young ladies need to be investing in themselves and building their own thriving lives and communities.

Tee said...

Aimee:

This is my first time posting here. This is a great essay you have written.

I am from North Jersey (currently living in NC), and I have noticed that a lot of BW are waking up and living life on their own terms.

I am seeing a lot more BW/WM couples, and it's very exciting.

I saw a copy of the book you mentioned at Borders a while ago, and my first reaction was to pick it up. I held back because I did not want to give strangers the impression that black women cared about this sort of thing.

After spending time at all of the BWE blogs, I can truly say that I don't care what black men like.

Their lives have nothing to do with mine!

Great work Aimee!

Peace,

Tee

Aimee said...

Welcome Tee--greetings from Bergen County!

I definitely understand why you responded the way you did to seeing Persaud's book--I know when I saw the title on the spine I literally laughed out loud, which is what made me pick it up. I wouldn't consider it worth buying; but I give him credit for being much more honest and even insightful about this issue than most black men.

And like you, I am seeing more and more BW/WM couples. Last week while grocery shopping in Paramus, I saw 3 other BW/WM couples there besides my husband and I--and I saw a BW/AM couple at the Garden State Plaza a couple of weeks ago! More and more black women ARE waking up, and it is a beautiful sight to see.

Tracy said...

Welcome Back!!

Long time lurker here...and you are so on point. I remember seeing this fools book at B&N last year. I made a habit of taking all of the copies - which were placed in the Black Interest section - and moving them to the Humor section, where they belonged.

I too am seeing a lot more bw/wm couples, and I am in Hicksville USA..so hopefully a change for the positive is happening.

Pamela said...

Glad to see you writing again, Aimee.

YES INDEED more and more bw are wising up and ignoring the foolishness as expressed in that book. On December 18, 2009 I married a lovely man from France here in Tulsa, OK. I have lived here for almost 33 years. In recent years I have seen more bw/wm couples the few years than I did when I arrived here in 1977. Some of the ladies that I know that have not married or dated in a while are becoming more open to the idea of IR dating.

My hope is that some of these deceived bw will see the light when they see more of us in happy, fulfilling marriages with husbands that just happened to be of another skin color. The key is to not waste a minute with people that mean you no good. You can spend time and share knowledge but if people are not open, keep stepping and live your lives in victory away from the sewer.

Aimee said...

Pamela, I am so thrilled about your marriage! And I agree about the importance of BW with non-black spouses being seen in their happy, supportive relationships by other BW. I've noticed that very often when a BW/BM couple or a group of BW spy me and my husband, the women often get that stereotypical smirk on their faces; but if it is a woman alone, they usually look curious, even wistful. As shocking as it may be in 2010, many BW are literally still afraid to consider being with a non-BM. And people who live in fear die from fear.

I am LOL@ you Tracy for moving Persaud's book to its proper place. The title and cover are pure comedy, and so is much of his material. But change IS happening, simply because it must. Every BW who wants to live a healthy life will instinctively move further and further away from the "community"; it is the only way. If we can help lead the way, then I am all for it--I am the world's biggest cheerleader for empowered black women and the future that we are building and the past that we are leaving behind.

Anonymous said...

I actually spoke to Mr. Persuad back when he wrote the book and he was so black woman. I also spoke to him recently and he seemed to be like it is partly black women's fault. His views have changed over the years...it seems. He wrote that book a few years ago. It is realllly getting bad. I was listening to Michael Baisden and he was saying that Asian women and White women make black women go out of their minds! Now I am an attractive black women with a lot going for her as do my friends and we dont think about white women or asian. I dont care if black men date white women or whomever. I actually think that all of this is a blessing in disguise. I just cant deal with the disrespect. The black man/white woman relationship is being promoted BIG time in the media. It will benefit us all -- trust me. I hope that the white woman/black man marriage rate gets up to 50%. I just wish black women would stop speaking out about it and move on. They enjoy when black women get upset about it!

Anonymous said...

Sisters can't just get a degree and achieve professionally--they really do have to get away from these toxic 'hoods, and the toxic mentalities trying to entrap them and suck them dry. The "community" knows that its only real resource is its vibrant, talented, hard-working young women. These young ladies need to be investing in themselves and building their own thriving lives and communities.


I agree and a segment of black women are going to thrive from all of this and a segment of these women are going to suffer. Women who still chase after these white worshipping black men are REALLLY going to suffer.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I read the book (ordered online) and he made fools out of black men. He made bufoons out of black men. He was on Wendy Williams years ago and he was cheerleading for the sisters! Brothers hate Rajeen Persuad. Basically he was saying that the black men looove white women because they are so messed up behind slavery! He even had a blog where black men dogged him out for what he was saying about them in his book. He was completely and totally pro-black woman...Dont be fooled by the title..that was for shock value!!!

Anonymous said...

This is not simply a matter of who you date or marry, though one’s choice of mate is a crucial factor in the ability to escape this quagmire. The same caution and discretion must be exercised in one’s choice of friends, acquaintances, neighbors, business and professional colleagues, and even those members of your family who you choose to include in your life. Detaching from this dysfunctional, pathological community must be job one!

I am in the process of doing this now...

Aimee said...

Anonymous said...

Actually, I read the book (ordered online) and he made fools out of black men. He made bufoons out of black men. He was on Wendy Williams years ago and he was cheerleading for the sisters! Brothers hate Rajeen Persuad. Basically he was saying that the black men looove white women because they are so messed up behind slavery! He even had a blog where black men dogged him out for what he was saying about them in his book. He was completely and totally pro-black woman...Dont be fooled by the title..that was for shock value!!!
___________________________________

I also read his book, and I acknowledge that he had had some genuine insight. I can't recommend the book here because (1) most black women already know everything he is saying (if they are willing to admit to themselves), and the audience I address here is black women and those who love us (I definitely think the book is a worthwhile read for black men) and (2) he doesn't offer any solutions.

He points out that black men love white women, explains why BM love WW, and then . . . the end. Well, I think we know that black men love white women, and I think we know why. The issue is what should black women DO with this information? It is clear that Mr. Persaud isn't about to suggest that BW seek greener pastures elsewhere. Nor does he suggest that BM in any way change their behavior or thinking. I just couldn't conclude that Persaud is "pro-black woman" when he points out that the sky is grey without providing any insight into how to fly. We have options beyond standing around glaring at BM hugged up to WW with our hands on our hips, like the woman on the cover of his book.

Anonymous said...

Black women had better realign themselves now. It wont be easy! I hope that this next generation of black girls are much more sophisticated and saavy.

Anonymous said...

I went out today with this woman and we are just beginning a friendship. I try to discuss black women dating other men as much as possible with other blk women. Well anyway she started to go into "Mammy Mode" talking about the reason that there are problems between black women and black men is because black women are forced to do so much that they end up exuding masculine energy. Additionally, when they get into relationships they cannot let that masculine energy go when dealing with black men. We were around a lot of white women and she was talking loud. I was so MAD. I told her that I dont want to hear anything about the black women need to do any soul searching or anything negative like that because black men have a lot of issues. I also told her that it does not matter how much soul searching that she does. There are a large segment of black men who simply dont want black women. Some black women are sooooo clueless. Now I dont want to even hang out with this woman anymore. You are so right. You have to practically pad yourself from these idiots! I bet white women look at these attractive, educated black women who are alone and say these women just dont know what they can do for themselves with other groups of men. They would never say it to us but they THINK it I am sure. I know that they are perplexed when they see beautiful, classy black women alone.

I get a real laugh when I go jogging and white women look to see if their man is watching me.LOL!

Halima said...

I really missed you Aimee!(wipes tears from corner of eyes).

And so you are able to articulate far better than I ever could, as in this gem here:

It is absolutely crucial for black women who want the healthy, happy lives that they deserve to recognize that the very foundation of the currently formulated black community is constructed around the devaluation of black women and children. It is no more and no less. Loyalty to this community requires disloyalty to your own well-being and your very survival as black women.

Excellent, excellent breaking down of the issue as always!

Anonymous said...

Anon@7:47pm, your friend is in denial. BW can do all the 'soul-searching' they want until the cows come home, but we're still going to have the same issues.

Like you said, BM have plenty of issues, and I for one am completely turned off by this 'dig deep' philosophy being shoved down our throats yet BM aren't being pulled up on their misogyny, sexism and intraracism.

Instead, folks wanna gloss over their bs and make excuses for it.

Felicia said...

THANK you for this Aimee and WELCOME BACK!

What you speak of is so obvious that the only ones who can't see the truth is because they don't want to.

Indoctrinated BW who are in denial.

BW who wish to live and love well and retain their sanity need to physically remove themselves from damaged BM AND the damaged BW who are continuing to allow themselves to be played.

Normal black women need to DIFFERENTIATE themselves from these brain dead masochists by ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

Because that's the ONLY way normal Quality WM (and other non bm) are going to know that you're different then the average BW who's thinking and behaving abnormally.

These brain dead masochists - who honestly believe they mean well and are rescuing the dead "bc" (construct) - are out there trying to RUIN the
African-American woman brand.

Now obviously damaged beyond repair black males are ALSO trying to do the same (which is contemptible) but they are simply a lost cause. Sick, conquered, and self-hating beyond cure.

Single marriage minded normal BW can't do much if anything about them. Plus the focus should never be on black males to begin with. They don't matter. Instead the focus needs to STAY on what normal black women can do for THEMSELVES.

And like I said, the BEST thing normal BW can do for themselves is to STAND OUT in a positive, feminine, open, friendly, dignified manner in NON black environments.

BRAVO on this reality check Aimee. The masses of bw need to hear it and awake from their indoctrinated
Malaise.

daphne said...

Hi Aimee - welcome back! I hope you are well.

The same caution and discretion must be exercised in one’s choice of friends, acquaintances, neighbors, business and professional colleagues, and even those members of your family who you choose to include in your life. Detaching from this dysfunctional, pathological community must be job one!

I think this is key, as I suspect many black women believe openly being available to non-BM somewhat, if not directly, solves the problem. Yet, we continue to run in the same social circles, maintain relationships with those we KNOW subscribe to the pathology.

Maybe we think we can help enlighten others, and I'm not against that. But I think we have to be "stabilized" before we can even think of trying to extend a hand to others (beyond planting seeds, that is - I don't think planting seeds necessarily requires an emotional/psychological/financial investment).

I realize it's challenging to be so vigilant about with whom we choose to develop relationships after being unplugged from the matrix, especially when it may appear simpler (not easier) to live a double life. The problem with living a double life is, eventually, the duplicity is revealed to others. Thus, both groups of people feel betrayed, and you have no idea who you really are because a stand was never truly taken.

I think another thing some black women miss is that the more you separate yourself from the pathology, the less you are concerned about what black men are collectively doing/not doing. You only concern yourself with the black men in your social circle(s), and can objectively engage in critical thinking based on what you know is real because you're not twisted by emotional ties. When we're emotionally invested in someone, it's exceedingly difficult to see things as they are, rather as they "should" be or we want them to be.

That's why, IMO, moving away from the dyfunction, while a major step, isn't enough. Because all that means is that the Mule Brigrade will track you down and attempt to re-engage you. If you're easily accessible, your physical location doesn't make a significant difference. Last year, when I had the opportunity to move to another state, this was primarily the reason I jumped at it. It's not cross-country, mind you, but it's far enough that I'm not easily accessible.

I remember a co-worker telling me the story of a young girl (late teens I think) she was trying to mentor. The girl lived with her for a while, as the co-worker was trying to break the chain of OOW children and low education that resonated within her family. The girl informed my co-worker she wanted better for herself. However, almost every evening, the girl's older sisters would call her, telling her about all the drama and trying to get her in the middle of it. After a few months, she returned home and promptly got pregnant. Interestingly enough, her older sisters lost interest in her life after that - I guess because she had effectively been pulled back into the barrel of dysfunction. Now the girl wasn't an adult yet, so she didn't the same level of freedom as someone a few years older. But I've seen my fair share of young and older adult black women in similar circumstances.

We have to be inaccessible to the dysfunction!

Halima said...

He points out that black men love white women, explains why BM love WW, and then . . . the end. Well, I think we know that black men love white women, and I think we know why. The issue is what should black women DO with this information? It is clear that Mr. Persaud isn't about to suggest that BW seek greener pastures elsewhere. Nor does he suggest that BM in any way change their behavior or thinking. I just couldn't conclude that Persaud is "pro-black woman" when he points out that the sky is grey without providing any insight into how to fly. We have options beyond standing around glaring at BM hugged up to WW with our hands on our hips, like the woman on the cover of his book.

This is a very key point Aimee. The true test of a bm being pro-bw, is his willingness to 'usher bw towards the exit' so to say! I think the term we have used in the past is a 'fairminded' bm.

I am not suggesting that bw need bm's permission just that the clear indicator of a bm being 'all about the good of bw', is the ability of the bm to 'centralize' bw's well being and interest in any discourse or debate etc of this nature.

99% of bm will fail this test because even as they 'acknowlegde' the situation for bw, many are still thinking in terms of how bw can put up with it, or hold out a little longer or 'bend' and twist so as not to take up the interracial option (in otherwords continue to be available to bm) which clearly is the only rational option available for a bulk of bw seeking marriage.

I sometimes think that a sophisticated bm centred argument will soon emerge, with bm simply acknowledging the situation and leaving it at that (i suppose just as Persaud has done!). In fact if not for the gigantic and childish ego of the black male collective, that will not accept even legitimate criticism, i think bm would have learnt that it would be wise to accept bw undeniable complaints against them! this would effectivly disarm many bw who will perceieve this acknowlegdment as a sign of bm changing their minds and gearing up to 'do right' by bw.

this is I guess all in line with the fact that bw are conditioned to be happy with 'scraps' from bm and to hold out way past what is sensible. and as a result of this conditioning, many bw are not able to apply a nuanced reading of the different shades of this 'good black man' category to recognize that there are good but still self concerned and then there are those who are fully 'fairminded' brothers (1%).

Aimee, it is almost like the absense of fairmindedness among the bulk of black males has somewhat conditioned bw to lift up a one-off, casual, somehow, bw favouring comment as the hieght of 'good black man ness' in a bm.

anti-bw sentiment is so subtle and one expression of it is the sentiment that, 'bw are here to serve an agenda outside their own needs and interests', and 'good brothers' express this brand of anti-bw perspective as opposed to the out and out hatred. it is the hill they cannot seem to get over!

Halima said...

He points out that black men love white women, explains why BM love WW, and then . . . the end. Well, I think we know that black men love white women, and I think we know why. The issue is what should black women DO with this information? It is clear that Mr. Persaud isn't about to suggest that BW seek greener pastures elsewhere. Nor does he suggest that BM in any way change their behavior or thinking. I just couldn't conclude that Persaud is "pro-black woman" when he points out that the sky is grey without providing any insight into how to fly. We have options beyond standing around glaring at BM hugged up to WW with our hands on our hips, like the woman on the cover of his book.

This is a very key point Aimee. The true test of a bm being pro-bw, is his willingness to 'usher bw towards the exit' so to say! I think the term we have used in the past is a 'fairminded' bm.

I am not suggesting that bw need bm's permission just that the clear indicator of a bm being 'all about the good of bw', is the ability of the bm to 'centralize' bw's well being and interest in any discourse or debate etc of this nature.

99% of bm will fail this test because even as they 'acknowlegde' the situation for bw, many are still thinking in terms of how bw can put up with it, or hold out a little longer or 'bend' and twist so as not to take up the interracial option (in otherwords continue to be available to bm) which clearly is the only rational option available for a bulk of bw seeking marriage.

I sometimes think that a sophisticated bm centred argument will soon emerge, with bm simply acknowledging the situation and leaving it at that (i suppose just as Persaud has done!). In fact if not for the gigantic and childish ego of the black male collective, that will not accept even legitimate criticism, i think bm would have learnt that it would be wise to accept bw undeniable complaints against them! this would effectivly disarm many bw who will perceieve this acknowlegdment as a sign of bm changing their minds and gearing up to 'do right' by bw.

this is I guess all in line with the fact that bw are conditioned to be happy with 'scraps' from bm and to hold out way past what is sensible. and as a result of this conditioning, many bw are not able to apply a nuanced reading of the different shades of this 'good black man' category to recognize that there are good but still self concerned and then there are those who are fully 'fairminded' brothers (1%).

Aimee, it is almost like the absense of fairmindedness among the bulk of black males has somewhat conditioned bw to lift up a one-off, casual, somehow, bw favouring comment as the hieght of 'good black man ness' in a bm.

anti-bw sentiment is so subtle and one expression of it is the sentiment that, 'bw are here to serve an agenda outside their own needs and interests', and 'good brothers' express this brand of anti-bw perspective as opposed to the out and out hatred. it is the hill they cannot seem to get over!

ak said...

Oh my goodness Aimee!

You are actually back!! I had no idea until I saw Halima's blog!! You were like dead to the world for like all of 2008 and almost all of 2009. I thought someone had kidnapped you! I can't remember now if I actually ever commented on here before but I really did like all of what you had to write on here in the past! Glad to see you're back!

Beauty Is Diverse said...

Great post very well written.

Anonymous said...

And like I said, the BEST thing normal BW can do for themselves is to STAND OUT in a positive, feminine, open, friendly, dignified manner in NON black environments.


Yep. It is time for a change!!! And we have to be aggressive and leave the rest behind!

Anonymous said...

I was watching Oprah and she had Nadya Suleman the OOW mother of 14 children and not a man/husband to be seen on her show. It would appear for the most part people leave her alone; except for the media. I believe if Nadya was a bw she would have been ripped apart for having all of those OOW children and no job, her only income comes from the government.
What a mess she is.

a.

Aimee said...

Anonymous said...
I went out today with this woman and we are just beginning a friendship. I try to discuss black women dating other men as much as possible with other blk women. Well anyway she started to go into "Mammy Mode" talking about the reason that there are problems between black women and black men is because black women are forced to do so much that they end up exuding masculine energy. Additionally, when they get into relationships they cannot let that masculine energy go when dealing with black men. We were around a lot of white women and she was talking loud. I was so MAD. I told her that I dont want to hear anything about the black women need to do any soul searching or anything negative like that because black men have a lot of issues. I also told her that it does not matter how much soul searching that she does. There are a large segment of black men who simply dont want black women. _________________________________

Exactly! This is like throwing good money after bad--acknowledging that black women are "forced" to take on all the burdens and responsibilities that should be properly shouldered by men in BM/BW relationships, and then investing even MORE energy into that futile endeavor. Excuse my French, but what kind of DAMN sense does that make? Once you realize that a struggle is futile, you don't waste more of your precious life energy on it, you walk away! Your friend has a sad future in front of her, but I am happy that YOU recognize what you need to do in order to achieve the life that you deserve. And maybe, just maybe, you planted a seed in her poor, deluded mind that will blossom into positive action.

Aimee said...

Felicia said...
THANK you for this Aimee and WELCOME BACK!

What you speak of is so obvious that the only ones who can't see the truth is because they don't want to.

Indoctrinated BW who are in denial.

BW who wish to live and love well and retain their sanity need to physically remove themselves from damaged BM AND the damaged BW who are continuing to allow themselves to be played.
___________________________________

So wonderful to hear from you Felicia!

And yes, it is absolutely CRUCIAL that sensible BW separate themselves figuratively and literally from the DBR community, male AND female.

Too often I encounter BW who date/mate IR on the "downlow," but are still desperately trying to hold onto their "black cards." We all know this type: they go out of their way to emphasize their love and preference for "the black man," and make it clear that their non-black mate is nothing more than a booby prize that they settled for because they couldn't achieve the gold standard of a black kang. They idealize "black love," and even though they themselves, THROUGH THEIR ACTIONS, acknowledge the need to look outside the "community" for quality men, they actually encourage other black women to "hold out" for their black knights in shining armor. They are militantly "pro-black," except when it comes to advancing the interests of black women and children being victimized and exploited at the hands of DBRBM. Then, all of a sudden, they are full of excuses, and like Mr. Persaud, they want to return the conversation back to the the big, bad White Man. They are consistent suckers for bad poetry by DBRBM hypocrites rapsodizing about "Nubian Princesses" they wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, and are adept at looking the other way when these warriors for the commmunity parade their anything-but-black women through police brutality protest organizing committees or Juneteenth picnics.

They are just as much the enemy as any DBRBM, and should be just as carefully avoided.

Faith said...

For a minute I thought this post was going to be about the rantings of yet another DBR with unexamined DBR-ness (which of course why would they because they'd have to admit what they are) but the tie-in to Fanon was great.

Reading Fanon describe his addiction to white flesh is like watching porn or something else that's repulsive but titilating. It's really quite fascinating yet disgusting all at the same time.

Either way the ones who need to be deprogramming are the ones who may protest the loudest.

Anonymous said...

Here is an interesting article on this topic.

Aimee said...

Anonymous said...

I reject the notion of black men hating black women.

Feel free to reject away. Unfortunately, your rejection of reality will in no way change it.

Only 5% of married black men are married to white women whereas hypethetical random selection would result in at least half of married black men being married to white women. 90% of married black men are married to black women.

Primarily because black men increasingly choose not to marry at all: the percentage of black men age 15 and older who are married dropped from 64% in 1950 to 42.8% in 2000. I'm sure the numbers in 2010 will be even more dire. Nevertheless, 13% of black men are currently married interracially, and in 2008, 22% of the black men who bothered to marry married interracially, i.e., the number of black men marrying interracially is growing dramatically. Thus the issue is not merely the raw numbers of BM/non-BW marriages, but the increase in such marriages, and the vast increase in such relationships, while too many BW sit around, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the "brothas" to "come home." Well, they ain't coming "home," and more importantly when they are "home," too many ain't handling their business too well. Above all, BW need to move past the distraction of BM dating out and focus on the real issue of the internal failures of the community and the abandonment of said community by BM. Who really cares who BM are marrying, dating, babymamaying, etc.? What matters is what they AREN'T doing, which is building wealth and institutions in the so-called community for the future generations of their offspring.

And note that nearly half of single black women have been married. Thus, the vast majority of black women will marry at some point in life. So it is statistically incorrect to suggest that most black women will never marry and a large portion of unmarried black women are cohabitating and living the life of a married woman despite it not being official.

Cohabitation is NOT marriage: the percentage of Black women who are married declined from 62 percent to 31 percent between 1950 and 2002; between 1950 and 2000, the percentage of never-married black women doubled, from 20.7% to 42.4. If these single black women are waiting for the black men described above to be "ready," they WILL NEVER MARRY. Marriage as an institution, along with every other institution in the "community," is dying.

Rebekah Levine Coley's study showed that black men who are not custodial parents are more likely to spend time with their children than any other group of men under the same circumstances and while being 12% of all American men, black men are 16% of single black fathers.

Of course. If you refuse to marry the mothers of your children and/or are unsuitable for marriage, you will by necessity make up a disproportionate share of "single fathers," and a disproportionate share of the men spending "non-custodial" time with your offspring. Being a babydaddy has been normalized in the black community to an extent that it has not anywhere else. Is this something to be proud of? Is this proof of the loving care and effective fathering which black children receive? Look at the results, and then get back to me.

Halima said...

He points out that black men love white women, explains why BM love WW, and then . . . the end. Well, I think we know that black men love white women, and I think we know why. The issue is what should black women DO with this information? It is clear that Mr. Persaud isn't about to suggest that BW seek greener pastures elsewhere. Nor does he suggest that BM in any way change their behavior or thinking. I just couldn't conclude that Persaud is "pro-black woman" when he points out that the sky is grey without providing any insight into how to fly. We have options beyond standing around glaring at BM hugged up to WW with our hands on our hips, like the woman on the cover of his book.

This is a very key point Aimee. The true test of a bm being pro-bw, is his willingness to 'usher bw towards the exit' so to say! I think the term we have used in the past is a 'fair-minded' bm.

I am not suggesting that bw need bm's permission just that the clear indicator of a bm being 'all about the good of bw', is the ability of the bm to 'centralize' bw's well being and interest in any discourse or debate etc of this nature.

99% of bm will fail this test because even as they 'acknowledge' the situation for bw, many are still thinking in terms of how bw can put up with it, or hold out a little longer or 'bend' and twist so as not to take up the interracial option (in other words continue to be available to bm) which is now the only rational option available for a bulk of bw seeking marriage.

I sometimes think that a sophisticated bm centred argument will soon emerge, with bm simply acknowledging the situation and leaving it at that (i suppose just as Persaud has done!). In fact if not for the gigantic and childish egos of the black male collective, that will not accept even legitimate criticism, i think bm would have learnt that it would be wise to accept bw undeniable complaints against them! this would effectivly disarm many bw who will perceieve this acknowlegdment as a sign of bm changing their minds and gearing up to 'do right' by bw.

Once again this points to bw being conditioned to be happy with 'scraps' tossed their way and to hold out way past what is sensible. and as a result of this conditioning, many bw are not able to apply a nuanced reading of the different shades of this 'good black man' category to recognize that there are good but still self concerned bm and then there are those who are fully 'fairminded'(1%).

Aimee, it is almost like the absense of fairmindedness among the bulk of black males has somewhat conditioned bw to lift up any scrap of favourable comment towards them as the sign of such a 'good black man'.

anti-bw sentiment is often so subtle and one expression of this sentiment is that, 'bw are here to serve an agenda outside their own needs and interests.' Even 'good brothers' express this brand of anti-bw perspective even if they dont express out and out hatred.

it is the hill they cannot seem to get over!

Anonymous said...

Y'know ladies, it isn't the BW job to straighten up the community, its the job of the BM. The community shouldn't use our resources alone anymore. We speak english just like the whites, so, we should mingle with what they are doing,if its constructive. Especially if your single and have the money and career to do it. Only good men straighten out teenage boy types

Anonymous said...

Off the subject a bit:::have you seen that YouTube clip called Holding Hands? It has in it a real gorgeous darkskinned sista and her cute white boyfriend. The movie brings up racism within the black community when the sistas close friend doesn't want her to bring her white boyfriend to her wedding.The clip pokes fun at black and white racism, but ends tragic.

TruthBTold said...

"That would only be if it was "reality" in the first place. Asserting that something is reality does not make it so and being that you are making the assertion, the burden of proof is on you. So please do substantiate your assertion which implies that you, as a woman, somehow know how black men think better than black men themselves."

Aimee, this is YOUR online home. Intended for non-indoctrinated black women. NOT BM and NOT their mammy guard dogs. You don't have to substantiate your assertion because non-indoctrinated black women and non BM know that what you're saying is true. As do BM and their mammy guard dogs.

"So does this mean that black men "hate" all women? Because you logic would lead to this. If a man does not want to marry black women, it means that he hates black women. The logical expansion of this would be for any man who doesn't want to marry to be a hater of women. Quite silly don't you think?"

Aimee, this silly troll clearly knows that it's obvious that most black men hate black women. Because black men treat black women and the black children they create by black women in a clearly and statistically proven inferior manner percentage wise compared to the way non black men treat the women and children that belong to their race.

"I guess that since I date numerous black women before meeting and proposing to my wife, I apparently hated all of those previous women since I never proposed to any of them."

LOL these trolls demand "proof" of BWE "assertions" (which are clear to the naked eye) yet we're supposed to just blindly accept that this dude is married to a BW (lol hoorah hoorah)?

It would seem that since this particular troll claims to be married to a BW he wouldn't have any qualms about BWE bloggers ENCOURAGING MORE BW to walk down the aisle with QUALITY men. Because those who TRULY love BW WANT BW in loving stable marriages PERIOD. The only types who would not want this are RACISTS.

And racism is founded in hatred. If most BM didn't hate BW, then most BM would be trying with all their might to SILENCE those BM who clearly do and announce it to the world. Because "good" BM would consider it an injury/injustice to THEIR mother, sister, aunt, daughter, etc... But all you hear is crickets.

This inaction in itself proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the deep level of hatred that BM not only have for BW but for themselves because BW gave birth to them.


"What abandonment? Even when black men marry white women, they tend to live in black neighborhoods and their children are overwhelmingly viewed as black."

The majority of BW (as does everyone else for that matter) know FULL WELL that they and their communities (neighborhoods, families, houses of worship, organizations, et...) have been abandoned by educated, working, marriage minded and family oriented black men in droves for decades.

What's left is violent, uneducated, noncommittal, and diseased criminal thugs.

Now it is time for BW to abandon the notion of "black love" and the "black community" and embrace the notion of IR love and marriage between BW and non black men. Now it is time to leave the dead "black community" (dangerous and violent neighborhoods filled with roving packs of dbrbm who commit atrocities like the Dunbar Village crime against humanity) to the supposed majority of BM/WW couples that reside there with their black identified biracial children.

The time for BW to leave is YESTERDAY.

Oshun said...

Hello Aimee.

This is my first time stopping by your blog. You make some amazing points. Very on the mark.


I think the anon troll needs to start his own blog. I am sick of reading that garbage.

Anonymous said...

Aimee,

Why dont you just ignore this anonymous person. Why are you showing his comments?

Damaged Black said...

Anonymous said: Y'know ladies, it isn't the BW job to straighten up the community, its the job of the BM. The community shouldn't use our resources alone anymore.

I totally agree. It seems BM in general only care about BW and the black community to the extent BW remain husbandless sperm receptacles and baby incubators to keep the black population going. Then we get blamed for the state the black “community” is in. Eff that!

Damaged Black said...

Anonymous said: Most abused black children are abused by their mothers.

If a large percentage of black children are born out of wedlock and/or fatherless, who else would be the perpetrators of abuse against black children?

Anonymous said...

Aimee why dont you block this antiblack woman black guy from posting on your blog? This is supposed to be a safe place for black women...Why are you letting this guy come here and spew all of this venom? Why would you even respond to him? His posts make me sick in the stomach. Now all of a sudden black women are bad mothers! Why dont you block his comments?

leonida said...

Hi I am Leonida i have to say something to anonymous who said if black women were not against traditional gender roles want thugs tattoos on chest arms legd necks and have nasty language and you act like there are good women in the hood well let me tell you there are good women in the hood but guess what no one wants to be with them because there not messed up in the head like a lot of black women in the hood who are the ABC's I know because i live in the hood i work go to school and come home and stay in my place cause i have no time for the bs the only women that want thugs are the chicken heads not black women that are about something I never had a thug don't wants any never had the i need a thug in my life feeling thank god cause those dudes will get you kill or locked up see it all the time hear in the hood it's the black women that don't love them selfs that act like fools not the women you see trying to get away from the bs and what does having tattoos have to do with it i see white girls cover from head to toe with tattoos and yet no one is saying they arevnot good for marriage hell the women who did my friends tattoo is a white women an she is married to a black man when I into manhattan i see white girls with tattoos with men all the time so why is it when black women have tattoo black men talk shit i don't get it i have a tattoo so i guess that means something is wrong with me? No ones going to marry me please all the things you just said is dog shit cause everyone knows what kind black women go for the thugs and asshead men black women who are down with that abc stuff not black women who are trying to live a better life maybe you need to look more harder at the women in your hood to see the truth oh yeah this is my first post thank goodness you are back mess you Aimee

Anonymous said...

f a large percentage of black children are born out of wedlock and/or fatherless, who else would be the perpetrators of abuse against black children?

Yet research has found no evidence that black husbands are any more abusive toward their children than white husbands.

Aimee said...

Anonymous said...

And as scientific research has shown, men of ALL races are more open to dating out than women. Do you not realize that white men marry out at a similarly greater rate than white women? Only Asian women date and marry out more than the men. So why hold something specifically against black men that is seen in other men? Do white men who marry Asian women hate white women?

And do you not realize that white women still marry at rates virtually double those of black women? That white children grow up in homes headed by their fathers at virtually triple the rate of black children? Does the sentiment of white men who marry Asian women matter if plenty of other white men continue to marry white women and support white children? If, above all, ALL white men continue to invest in and support the white community and white institutions? That white children continue to be born into a world in which their future interests are incredibly secure and well-provided for? That THIS is the bottom line, not what individual man marries what individual woman? The wealth, power, and resources of peoples? If black men are indeed "handling their business" as you claim, where is that wealth, that power, those resources? What institutions of the black community can you point to that black children will inherit?

Aimee said...

Anonymous said...

Well all of that would change with the creation of stable family units. This could happen if black women were not so against traditional gender roles and were less antagonizing toward men especially when the men are of quality. Black women commonly take kindness for weakness and fight hard to be the boses of he household. When a man relents to them, the lose respect for him. When he doesn't relent, his life is one constant everyday battle. If he's a thug, cruel and heartless, he gets respect from black women. It's a destructive game that black women refuse to take responsibility for.

Yes, I understand what you're saying completely. Too many of these black women think that because they are the ones supporting the househelds, paying all the bills, handling all the crises, taking care of the bailbondsmen, providing for the children, tithing to the church, etc., etc., that they actually ARE the heads of the households. And what can a black man do when faced with that? Go out, get a job, and take on the provider role himself? Be the ones to organize the unions on the jobs, to organize the neighood watches on the block, to run these criminals and predators the hell away from their families? Well, that's what my grandfather and all my uncles did, but, somehow black women are preventing you from doing that today, I guess by just being so damned . . . loud? Or maybe it's the neck tattoos, or the neon weaves? I don't know, but I do know exactly where you are coming from brotha--you are being unmanned, and it is in no way, shape or form your fault.

Unfortunately, I do not think you will find anyone here who is much interested in the unmanned. My site is for black women and those who love us. Since that is not you, I guess you should go elsewhere. Good luck with that manhood thing, though.

I know that many of the sisters who come here are bored when exemplars of this same old, same old invariably pop up, but I think it is important to remember that even as we walk away from these creatures, many of them simply refuse to let go. They could easily go to BlackMenGriping.com and post this same mess about mean black women with neck tattoos or whatever else they are on about; but, for some reason, that isn't enough--they have to purposely seek out women who are very purposely avoiding them. Not attacking them, but detaching from them entirely. Walking away. You would think this would bring them some kind of happiness, since they are convinced that it is we who are keeping them from their ever-elusive manhood (that same manhood that other men, strangely, seem able to achieve even when their women are mean and loud and tattoo their necks).

I know I have never once gone to any website devoted to BM/WW interracial relationships. Why would I? Yet, such men continue to follow us about, trying desperately to engage us. On its face, their behavior is puzzling; but, again we have to remember: the community's sole, real wealth at this point is its hard-working, ambitious, resourceful young women. It is these women who have been holding everything together for at least the last 30-40 odd years. You know it. I know it. And clearly, there are some other people who know it, even if they will never admit it. Otherwise, why invest the energy in chasing those women down, after spending so much time insisting that it is these very creatures who have been preventing you from becoming the men you were meant to be? Keep watching and learning ladies.

Aimee said...

Dana said...

It almost seems that black women tend to have children commonly in an effort to pressure the fathers into commitment and when commitment is already there, are not motivated to have children.

Hi Dana. I have to question the conclusions that you reach based on your own analysis: if most black children are born OOW, then what suggests that having children serves to pressure their fathers into making commitments to their mothers? Obviously, the birth of children does NOT exert pressure on black men to marry. Indeed, it would seem from your reasoning that the adverse could actually be true--that black men are more likely to marry black women who do not bear their children. It is indeed an interesting question.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Dana-

your comments have driven me out of lurk mode.

have you spent any time around married to bm bw? i have and have observed the following:

bw married to bm in large numbers are NOT enjoying the benefits of marriage. oftentimes, they MUST work. said a different way, their husbands NEED the wife's income in order for the household to run properly. i theorize further that THIS is why they married in the first place.

by the same token, my work puts me in contact with non-blk married folks, and the husband, no matter his financial distress takes offense at the suggestion that his wife may need to work.

also, bw married to bm, KNOW they are in a precarious situation at best. their husbands, in large numbers- NOT ALL- still reap the benefits of the surplus bw waiting for bm only, in addition to the gains of the "civil rights movement" which has panned out to the ability to eff the rainbow. seriously, you don't have to know these folks personally, just look at the news. suffice it to say that there are a LOT of steve mcnairs and lt taylors out there! married to bw yet somehow finding the time to do the MOST! we won't even speak of the bw starter wives whose husbands have moved on to make it plain that black was really NOT what he wanted after all.

bw, smart enough to know that they should be married, are also too smart to have a grip of children! it is NOT wise based on all of the indicators that only liars and fools will deny.

bw are no less nurturing than any other woman on the planet. WESTERN women in general seem to think, in greater numbers, that their breasts are man toys or intended to fill out the latest fashions. your notion of bw being less nurturing than others sounds rather suspect to me with all due respect.

despite being less protected and provided for than most other women, bw CONTINUE, in large numbers and to their utter detriment, to nurture, make excuses, and tolerate what others won't even attempt.

Aimee, welcome back and thanks for allowing me to share.

Oshun said...

"I believe that black women have lost a lot of the nurturing aspect common with women and bear children for more shallow reasons. Its one of the reasons black women are more resistant to breast feeding."

Dana, where are you going with this? Whats with the "othering" comments Dana?

Saying that BW are not nurturing in comparison to other women - are you kidding me?

Dana said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dana said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Dana-

In your writing you have revealed yourself to be a troll and I will no longer engage.

You lie and know it full well. Black men are harder pressed than their non blk counterparts to marry ANYONE. Given higher incomes and bm are even LESS likely to marry.

The most married bm are those contributing to the prison business.

I strongly suspect that "Dana" is that "Rocky" or "Truth Be Told" character that likes to argue and lie to support their arguments with women. Even going so far as to throw Hispanic women in the mix when at no time did I mention anything other than what I have observed with BLACK folks.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dana-

Did you know that at a certain point, it was SCIENTIFICALLY proven that blacks were INFERIOR to whites?

What about you go find those studies and point to them as evidence of the superiority of white women as mothers and women?

BLACK WOMEN are the first mothers/teachers/nurturers of humanity. Sorry no one ever taught you that truth.

Now run along now and go back over to your little blogs that demonize black women while singing the praises of white women. I see you. Your brain has been mangled and warped by white supremacy. Proof positive that digested lies...kill. I see you.

LOL!

Aimee said...

Anonymous said...

I strongly suspect that "Dana" is that "Rocky" or "Truth Be Told" character that likes to argue and lie to support their arguments with women.

He could be, but it is a commonplace DBRBM tactic to attempt to engage women in arguments/competition and to seek comparisons with women, since they don't stack up too well in comparison with other men. So he could be any number of DBRBM or mule-defender trolls.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dana said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Well I have a self hating boyfriend who's a black male and i'm a black woman. I don't even know what to do with him or say to him anymore. He's constantly complaining about black women and the black community and uplifts anything that has to do with whites. One time we had gotten into an argument and he mentioned how I turned him away from dating any other black women in the future. I'm pretty much walking on eggshells with him because I'm afraid to do anything that isn't of his preference out of fear for being hated as specifically a black woman and not the human being that I am. He has a job, he's a student, and he's very intelligent yet he hates our people so much. I do agree with him that our community can be the most ignorant, but sometimes I can't stand his attitude towards black women. When a black women does wrong it's because of her skin color, but when a white woman does wrong he holds her accountable for her actions as an individual. I'm very hurt by this because I have never had to deal with a black man of this sort.

Renee said...

Hi everyone,
We read this book in my bookclub a few years ago and it's not what I thought it would be. It wasn't a book bashing Black women but it was a historical perspective about why Black men have dated White women. It was actually a really good book and very informative. If you haven't read it you might want to. It will give a perspective as to why some black men choose to date white women. And maybe even encourage Black women to date outside our race as well.

Anonymous said...

"Rebekah Levine Coley's study showed that black men who are not custodial parents are more likely to spend time with their children than any other group of men under the same circumstances and while being 12% of all American men, black men are 16% of single black father"

HA I doubt that one.

Anonymous said...

To the clueless anonymous poster,
Why do you choose to pick on BW wearing tattoos and looking hard, while not calling out all the black male thugs dealing drugs, in gangs, getting arrested and involved in criminal activity? You are typical of the black american male playing the blame game. I suppose when BM rape its the fault of the BW right? Your games of blaming whitey didn't work, so you find another target.

Beloved said...

Hi Aimee ((waves)). This post is dead on. I'm in a circle with some sistas, who whenever I talk about "brothas" do their 'thing' with or without us, they don't want to hear it. They say that I'm angry at black men, but it's not that so much but I'm angry about the fact that they won't face up to that reality, EVEN THOUGH THEIR EXPERIENCES VERIFY WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING TO THEM (SMH).

But I've noticed that when I'm alone with some of them, they agree with me. I wonder what that's about.

Anyway, keep doing what you're doing, and don't stay away so long.