Monday, August 27, 2007

Who DO You Love?

At the Black Women's IR Circle, a number of posters have recently expressed discomfort with what they perceive as the "white male-centric" focus of many of the IR blogs. These women have noted their own interest in Asian and Hispanic men, and even their distate for WM. Does IR for BW have to = WM?

Of course not. My husband is white, but I have pointed out before that I am one of those lucky women who has always been attracted to a wide variety of men, and also realized at a relatively early age that I should take full advantage of that attraction to find exactly what I was looking for in a partner in terms of real compatibility, rather than race. I encourage all sistas to do the same, and I have never seen advice on any of the blogs that contradicts this position. My entire purpose is to encourage BW to always seek the best wherever it may be found, and any good man who adores you from your eyebrows to your toes is to be enjoyed for the treasure he is.

On the other hand, I speak from a specific place (the United States) which has a specific population. For women seeking eligible, compatible men, they are probably best served by seeking men in those groups that contain the largest number of potentially eligible, compatible men--and for women in the U.S., Canada, and Europe, that will be WM. Siginificantly as well, for American, Canadian and European women, they will generally have more in common with men who have been reared in these cultures, even if those men are white, then they will with men reared outside of those cultures, even if those men are not white. Very often, we our encouraged to consider ourselves part of some monolithic "people of color" united in interest against "the white man," which often isn't a very accurate depiction of our real world experience.

Additionally, I must also speak honestly from my own experience--and my experience dating Hispanic men specifically has not been particularly positive. I have found that many Hispanic cultures are freighted with the same sort of racism, colorism, and anti-BW discrimination that can be found in the black American community. I have found the same disdain for dark skin and blackness among Asians, especially for dark women--all you have to do is look at the most esteemed female beauty icons of China, India, Korea, Thailand, etc. to know exactly what I'm talking about: the women are often literally white-skinned, and have often had their eyes and noses surgically "enhanced" to look more "Western," i.e., white.

Perhaps ironically, I have found that WM are the least likely to be color-struck, and the most likely to find BW's dark skin, tightly curled hair, and full features beautiful and appealing. Since I also find my features beautiful and appealing (LOL!) and have no interest in altering them, I can only be with a man who appreciates me as I am, unbleached and unaltered. I have often heard the same thing from AW in explaining their own preference for WM, who they say appreciate their natural slanted eyes, broad noses, and golden skin in a way that many AM don't.

Again--this only reflects my experience. I know that plenty of BW have had bad experiences with WM, and good experiences with AM, HM, and BM for that matter, and I would never discount that--and I would never tell any woman to exclude an entire group of men from her dating consideration. I always say if he makes you laugh, he has a good character, and you get that little "flutter" in your stomach when you hear his voice, it can't hurt to let him take you to lunch. **shrug**

I just think that sometimes the congruent trap to "nothing but a black man" is "anything but a white man." I would never presume to tell anyone who to be attracted to or date; but abiding by these kinds of artificial restrictions is quite simply a trap. Always do what feels right, but don't exchange one straight-jacket for another.

29 comments:

foreverloyal said...

When I was looking to get married, I specifically wanted to marry an American. I didn't care about ethnicity, but dude had to be muslim and had to be american.
Culture matters.
As for wm being able to appreciate a bw's natural variety of traits, this is of course true for my own dh.
He recently compared the tightly curled hair that bw are known for to cotton candy.
Gotta love it!

pioneervalleywoman said...

Greetings, Aimee!

It's quite true that many bw make several erroneous assumptions, that they can only have things in common with a bm or a wm, when in reality, the kind of man who touches "one's soul" has more to do with where he is emotionally and spiritually.

Prior to marrying, I knew bm with whom I was friends or who wanted to date me, but I knew we were not on the same wavelength. There were wm in that category too...

As for Latin and Asian men, there were few Asians in the places where I lived, and with respect to a few Latinos, there were some serious language gaps...

On the other hand, my Quebecois husband is totally Americanized, yet I speak his native language better than he does! All courtesy of years of French study and travel in Canada, France and Switzerland.

We are on the same wavelength in the ways that matter, notwithstanding our differences and he loves everything about me, "black girl looks" and all!

Anonymous said...

Hi. I am a single Black female with no kids. At the present time I have met 2 really wonderful white males online, one of them is a professional man, who lives less than 100 miles from me in the same state. I read your article and totally agree that other non-white cultures to appear to be very colorstruck and that WM tend to be the least colorstruck. I live in a medium sized Midwestern city and there have been a lot of Mexicans settling here. I see a lot of them with the most scraggly looking, dirty,overweight white woman but never with a Black or dark skinned Hispanic woman. I have decided not to limit myself to Black men or other non-white men, especially if they don't find dark skinned women attractive. I have dated white men in the past and was treated very good by them. I am not going to waste my time on any color struck man of any race. I applaud all of the open minded white males that appreciate dark women, and to hell with the rest of the color struck non-white bastards out there. To them, only a blonde pale, white woman is beautiful. I feel sorry for people who only judge a woman by her outer appearance and skin color. I also read Evia's blog sometimes and I totally agree with her that these color struck men are damaged beyond repair or DBRM.

Notropis said...

"their distate for WM"

I want to thank you all for letting me lurk; I’m a “WM,” was married to a “BW” for 17 years, recently divorced. While the break-up had very little to do with race, I can’t help but think that had we addressed the issues as forthrightly as you all are, things would have gone better. So, more power to you. I think these blogs are a fantastic opportunity for people to share their experiences and reconcile their realities.

But I cringe whenever I see an exclusionary phrase like “their distaste for WM;” I’m reminded again of the negatives in this world. These movements should be for opening the doors and increasing the opportunities, not closing doors and excluding options. I have two daughters; the older one is just turning 16, and she has her first boyfriend; not sure how serious yet (I’m really hoping NOT VERY – nothing personal, but this is my little girl we’re talking about). He’s a very respectful (this is important to Dad) 18-year-old soon-to-be-senior BM, works at a supermarket, and is planning to go to Ohio State next fall (suddenly my baby girl is worried about the flooding in Ohio; we live in Minnesota). I don’t want these wonderful young women (my daughters) to believe their options are limited by race, any more than I want them to believe that their success is defined by their mate.

I believe that the world is finally changing (racially) for the better. I have nieces from my ex-wife’s side who are in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, and a nephew on my side who (no lie) is totally taken by “That’s So Raven” Simone. (My brother asked me to talk to him; I told the nephew, “Dude, she’s like really rich, so go for it, but she’s like really famous, so you don’t have much of a chance.” He seems to understand.)

People have paid with their lives to open this world up; don’t ever let anyone try to close it down again.

And God bless you on your wedding; you’re approaching it in the right way. Communication is 99% of the battle, and you have that part won, already.

Phoenix Sun said...

I think this comes down to respecting everyone's preferences and what works for them. There is still an uneasiness among some to hear BW publicly state they like/love/prefer a non-bm. I’m talking about wm specifically.

I find Japanese, Native American, and especially Polynesian men to be gorgeous along with wm, but I'm not willing to move to Japan, Hawaii or Tahiti to meet these men. There are hardly any Polynesians in NYC but there is a sizable number of eligible wm. If there were no men that I desired then I would move, which I did, but it was locally. If the situation was extremely dire then I would seriously consider moving out of the country but it never got that bad (thank goodness). I'm now quite content with my choice, but my point is one has to realistically look at their racial demographic in the area in which they live. I never understood how some bw would relocate to predominately white areas only to complain about the lack of bm and still refuse to date IR. What do you expect when you move to places like Minnesota? You have to study the region.

We can talk about being into other non-bm of color but for a lot of us that isn't a realistic option because the opportunities are literally not there. Here in New York it is quite easy to date Hispanic men but I never cared for their attitudes. For some women they are in a position where they are meeting these types of men with ease. Maybe some women should consider getting into international work like the UN or working at a job where there is a lot of international travel. My sister dated a foreign diplomat after her job did brief business with his country's embassy.

Mel said...

I,too, have found Latino and Asian men to be damaged beyond repair (DBR) men. Totally color struck. And, the Black Latino men really want a "lighter" woman. It's sort of sad, but as far as Latinos are concerned, that's what colonization gets you. I guess you can say that for some Asian cultures too; if not actual colonization, then definitely "mental colonization." In addition, I agree that culture counts.

Funny, I think that nowadays, WM who want to date BW are accepting all shades of BW, and culture counts with BW-WM too. Compare that to the rampant colorism that still persists in Black, Asian, and Latino communities. SMH.

classical one said...

What I find interesting is that I get e mails from people, accusing me of reverse colorism. Asking me if I'm giving due attention to white girls and women of other races. Go figure

Anonymous said...

Classical one- that's hilarious. With all the WF appreciation on the net, one blog dedicated to BW is too threatening to some.

foreverloyal said...

But are we surprised? With all the blogs and websites about black issues on net, Evia's is targeted as a "teaching tool" for black men. Provided, of course, that she takes down all those offensive images of black women with men who aren't! LOL

Aimee said...

foreverloyal said...

When I was looking to get married, I specifically wanted to marry an American. I didn't care about ethnicity, but dude had to be muslim and had to be american.
Culture matters.
As for wm being able to appreciate a bw's natural variety of traits, this is of course true for my own dh.
He recently compared the tightly curled hair that bw are known for to cotton candy.
Gotta love it!

___________________________________

Hey FL! I think culture, and of course, bedrock religious beliefs, are very important. I tend to look at compatibility as a mixed bag that contains hundreds of variables of relative significance--some may be deal-breakers, and others may just be preferences. But you just have to accumulate enough in order to achieve a sense of comfort and "fit" with someone you're otherwise attracted to and interested in. You really have to know yourself to figure out which is which, and that's something each of us has to do for ourselves.

Aimee said...

pioneervalleywoman said...

It's quite true that many bw make several erroneous assumptions, that they can only have things in common with a bm or a wm, when in reality, the kind of man who touches "one's soul" has more to do with where he is emotionally and spiritually.

Prior to marrying, I knew bm with whom I was friends or who wanted to date me, but I knew we were not on the same wavelength. There were wm in that category too...


Morning PVW!

I think that's really the crux of the issue--freeing yourself sufficiently to look at the person. As I said, the last thing I would want to do is to send BW the message that "you don't have to restrict yourself to intraracial relationships--but don't date those non-BM."

The whole point (in my eyes) is to free yourself to concentrate on what really matters to you in a human being, and then be happy when you find it, wherever you find it. I get kind of uncomfortable when I hear people talk about whole categories of people that they aren't attracted to, on the basis of factors other than character and conduct. People certainly have a "right" to their preferences, but I've seen too many people "prefer" themselves right into misery.

Aimee said...

I'm sorry to here about the end of your message Notropis, and thank you for your kind and supportive words about my own recent wedding. My husband and I do share a wonderful rapport, and I think that is a crucial element in building a healthy relationship.

I definitely share your "distate" for exclusionary phrases like "distate for WM." I used it as an example of the kind of thinking I sometimes encounter when people discuss IRRs, and why they will or won't date "certain people." I tend to believe that almost all of these preferences arise from socialization, and that we actually owe it to ourselves to think critically about why we want what we want--or don't want what we don't want. Too often, people have lived with an attraction for so long that they see it as a product of "nature," and thus unquestionable. I always say that we may not owe others explanations of our motive, but we should always try to understand them ourselves.

Aimee said...

Hey Phoenix Sun!

I tend to approach the subject of "preferences" gingerly, because, after all--who wants their own questioned? I know I like what I like. In terms of physical characteristics, skin color and hair texture have never meant much to me, but I can't lie--at 5'8, I've only rarely dated a man who was less than 5'10. Blue-black? Cool. Blue eyes? Cool. 5'4? Uhh . . .

And yet, I know that this is not really a "meaningful" measure of a man's worth. The only real significance I've found that attaches to a man's height derives from the fact that shorter men (in my experience) tend to be a little more defensive--but, of course, why wouldn't they be?

I think we share a similar diversity of taste, so it is a little easier for women who sort of come to it "naturally" as we do--I don't doubt for a minute that if I lived in area with lots of hot Polynesian guys or Adam Rodriguez look-a-likes, that I wouldn't be enjoying the eye-candy even if we never vibed. But, since I see eye-candy everywhere, it was easy for me to just concentrate on choosing the guy who made me laugh, who shared my politics and values, who was honest and compassionate. As Evia likes to say, I think if you open yourself to the whole "global village," it just makes things a lot easier.

Aimee said...

Mel said...

Funny, I think that nowadays, WM who want to date BW are accepting all shades of BW, and culture counts with BW-WM too. Compare that to the rampant colorism that still persists in Black, Asian, and Latino communities. SMH.

To me, this is a really sad irony. I've found that it's a reality that BW who date IR talk about among themselves, but really don't like to acknowledge more openly.

kara said...

To me, this is a really sad irony. I've found that it's a reality that BW who date IR talk about among themselves, but really don't like to acknowledge more openly.

It is strange, isn't it?

I have also found on "natural hair" message boards, that many of the women - who happen to be dark-skinned especially - have white boyfriends/husbands. In fact, a thread was started by a new commentor asking about it. She was truly stunned.

Honestly, it's to the point where I generally assume a BW is married to a white man if she is darker, wears her hair natural - and is wearing a wedding ring.

Anonymous said...

knockoutchick says:

I think people need to really wrap thier heads around how damaging the "white/blond beauty ideal" has been to the self image of many peoples around the world.

Maybe effecting BW the most as we are the furthest from blond.

These beliefs do and will affect any dating or marriage trends. It is amazing the reach.... and how racist notions hundreds of years old still haunt us.

I posted links to Asian Volleyball players Scott and Kevin Wong on Halima's blog...simply beautiful these two brothers. A bit later in thinking about perceptions in Asian culture, I was made to think about the fact that both had somewhat "darker" skin. I wondered if Asian women would find them as attractive...hmmmm???

Though I am aware the preference for fairer skin in Asian culture pre-dates Euro/white imperialism. Yet the Euro ideal has distorted this preference to the point that for years ...you did not see Asian models in most Japanese ads within their OWN country. Only white folks!!!! How unbelieveable is that!

So much so...that using a Japanese model in a Japenese ad, made headlines of the International Herald Tribune.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/08/28/business/yen.php

I have been fascinated by this in travelling around the world. You turn on the TV and all you see in WP! LOL.

Like the twilight zone...hey wait a minute, didn't I just leave this place. :-)

Turn on the tube in Latin America...all blonds. I remember in Peru, watching a news report with all tall Nordic looking folks in a country where I hadn't seen a person over 5'5 and fair for days.

No one can ever discount the power these images have.

I once had a Swedish acquaintance who was working as a model tell me. All his friends were going to Japan after high school or college to work as models...because they could always get work in Asia.

He spoke in that dry, matter of fact tone that many Northern Europeans tend to have..."Everyone knows blondes are the most beautiful people in the world, that's why its easy for us as models" Of course when I looked at him like he was insane, he followed up with.

"Well even though that is true...like most Swedish guys, I 'm looking for dark girls".

I thought...not THIS dark girl! hallelujah!

So yes, like many BW I am open to men of all races. I do find both Asian and Latin men attractive, beauty comes in all shades, shouldn't even need to be said. Yet here we are repeating it again and again.

I have no deeply held negative views about skin or hair color. Could the same be said of most Asian and Latin men????

Anonymous said...

knockoutchick says:

The power of the image of ONLY white women seen selling luxury products for GENERATIONS in Asian culture can not be under estimated.

ONLY white women tossing their hair, sprawled out in Gucci finery.

Think about it. It's deep.

nana said...

What I find interesting is that I get e mails from people, accusing me of reverse colorism. Asking me if I'm giving due attention to white girls and women of other races. Go figure
----------------------------
hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah, theres nothing like using reverse racism to ttack someones preference. I suppose black men are not reversly racist at all. Better yet how about using brainwash, yeh i think i like that one better.

Aimee said...

kara said...

I have also found on "natural hair" message boards, that many of the women - who happen to be dark-skinned especially - have white boyfriends/husbands. In fact, a thread was started by a new commentor asking about it. She was truly stunned.

Honestly, it's to the point where I generally assume a BW is married to a white man if she is darker, wears her hair natural - and is wearing a wedding ring.


On the flipside, I have a friend who is biracial who specifically stopped dating BM because she was tired of being "fetishized" for her skin color and hair. Her white husband finds her--all of her, including her full lips and dark eyes--beautiful. The overriding issue seems to be that BW all too often will not have their blackness appreciated by BM. And that is very sad.

There's something almost embarassing about acknowledging this--I think it is an element of the "racio-misogyny" that Halima blogged about, something that may have its roots in white supremacy, but has really taken on a life of its own as a discriminatory force. But it's the truth of our experience, and it's important that we are honest about it. I'm glad more us are willing to speak openly about it.

Aimee said...

knockoutchick says:

I think people need to really wrap thier heads around how damaging the "white/blond beauty ideal" has been to the self image of many peoples around the world.

Maybe effecting BW the most as we are the furthest from blond.

These beliefs do and will affect any dating or marriage trends. It is amazing the reach.... and how racist notions hundreds of years old still haunt us.

Though I am aware the preference for fairer skin in Asian culture pre-dates Euro/white imperialism. Yet the Euro ideal has distorted this preference to the point that for years ...you did not see Asian models in most Japanese ads within their OWN country. Only white folks!!!! How unbelieveable is that!

I have been fascinated by this in travelling around the world. You turn on the TV and all you see in WP! LOL.

Like the twilight zone...hey wait a minute, didn't I just leave this place. :-)

Turn on the tube in Latin America...all blonds. I remember in Peru, watching a news report with all tall Nordic looking folks in a country where I hadn't seen a person over 5'5 and fair for days.

No one can ever discount the power these images have.


This is so very true. It's not at all accidental that in most of these countries, particularly Latin America, this same image of beauty that is promoted just happens to match the tiny power elite that controls all the wealth and resources.

That is why educated, relatively affluent BW in the U.S., Europe and Canada have to leverage the power that we possess to effect real change in these images, because in most of the rest of the world, women are still so powerless. We've allowed other groups (BM and WW) to utilize our energy and commitment to advance agendas that haven't always been entirely in our interest. Now its time for us to pool our efforts for our OWN good.

Anonymous said...

knockoutchick says:

To Aimee:

You are so on target. WE have the power as Gina over at WAOD has shown.

All of us can effect change in our own worlds. For instance we can suggest a black girl as local beauty queen in our towns.

Choose a black girl to mentor.

Tell little black girls they are beautiful.

Question the news cycle sole focus on the perils of WW only.

And most importantly, stop buying products and services from those that belittle us.

Anonymous said...

SO someone seriously needs to mobilze us into an organization. OK so who?????

Evia said...

And most importantly, stop buying products and services from those that belittle us.

I find that a lot of bw don't even know about the various events going on in the country that might or do impact us negatively because they don't know where to go to get the info. So, in terms of products and services, we need one or two people to set up a blog or site that provides info about these products and services that belittle us--kind of like a bw's 'defamation clearinghouse' where we could all go to get info about people, products, and services that defame us. When the info is scattered, sistas just don't have time to look for it.

So who is that one person going to be to get this started? I mean, do you know anyone who'd be dedicated to this? All of us bloggers and commenters on all of our blogs and sites would ALL be responsible for supplying info. We can't just heap this on one person's shoulders.

Anonymous said...

I have included all races in my pool of available men. I have found that wm were more eager to date me than men of other races, and yes they were the least color struck. I have also dated European men and I also found them non-color struck. Asian men tend to be the least willing to go against their culture and race.

Still, I am married now to a wm, but if I was single, I still would include other races other than white men in my dating pool. Because you never know. There are Asian and Latino men who are open minded, even if they are a minority, and you might just get lucky with one of them.

D said...

I think people need to really wrap their heads around how damaging the "white/blond beauty ideal" has been to the self image of many peoples around the world.

- Even though there's issues with both hair and skin color, I'll just talk about hair to keep this less confusing... but obviously there's a lot of parallels with skin color -

Even brunette white middle school girls have a blonde complex.

I have a daughter... she's 13, and for several years, I've refused to sign off on any change in hair color that is based on the blonde complex. I've told her she can dye her hair blue, pink, or purple... but not blonde. She says that's not fair, and I say it's okay if it's an artistic statement, but it's not okay if it's a lack of self-esteem statement, and that I think her brown hair is beautiful just the way god made it.

------------------------------------------

To me, EVERYBODY should have the right to be with WHOEVER they want to be with.

So all those couples out there that are black/black, white/white, black/white, white/black, white/hispanic, hispanic/white, hispanic/hispanic, hispanic/black, black/hispanic, asian/asian, asian/hispanic, hispanic/asian, black/asian, asian/black, asian/white, white/asian... (I probably forgot a few combinations), but whatever your mix is, good for you. Male or female, be with who you want to be with, period. Go with the person that rocks your boat, whether of the same race, or not.

As for myself, I would guess there's a good chance my eventual sweetheart will be a different race than myself, I just seem to have the more in common (as an approach to life thing) outside my race, on average. HOWEVER, if I met a white girl tomorrow that is wonderful, and everything clicks in all the right places... what is meant to be will be, I'm not going to try to predict the future.

I'm hearing that some people think the "color-blind" approach to race and culture is naive, and reflects my ignorance because of white privilege... but I think that's cynical. I don't have any restrictions UP FRONT as to what I find attractive, but in the relationship, in the moment, of course I do (or will) notice color... in a positive way. I'm an artist, and there are beautiful colors in all shades and hues.

-------------------------------------------

I'm a decent looking guy, as our culture's standards go, and other than color, I find some of the same things attractive that society does, for instance fitness, etc.

And it's no secret that men "make the first move" a lot more than women...

One of the results of all this is that some girls get LOTS of attention from guys... sometimes dozens of times a day.

And unfortunately, those closer to blonde get more attention than girls with darker hair. I've talked to women (friends at work, etc) who have switched back and forth between blonde and brunette, and they consistently say they get way more attention as blondes.

I dated someone most of last year who naturally had brown/red/blonde hair, but dyed her hair blonde... I let it slip out that I think natural beauty is beautiful - and probably a week later, her hair was closer to her original color... and her friends and family dogged her mercilessly... "why the hell did you do that?" "you looked so much better blonde" "you did that for a guy, what were you thinking?" A week later, she was back to blonde.

And with so many guys promising the moon and stars, I think some attractive women get drunk on all the attention, and become serious prima donnas... lots of guys promising to bend over backwards every day for the rest of lives...

But on the other hand, it's quite a spectacle, and I can see how all that attention paid to the bimbos
would be both obvious and maddening to the rest of you...

All I can say is that if a guy flirts with you, and you like the way he presents himself... respond positively, and see what happens. I'm guessing that even though you might have less interactions per day, the percentage of those guys who appreciate you AS YOU ARE, for WHO you are deep inside, is probably a lot higher than the blonde gets. Less quantity, more quality.

I think Aimee said it well with "I think that's really the crux of the issue--freeing yourself sufficiently to look at the person". Sure, attraction to outer beauty is a place to start, whatever your tastes there... but matching up a mutual attraction to inner beauty is more important... I think.

Anonymous said...

D said:
... lots of guys promising to bend over backwards every day for the rest of lives...
***********************************

I've never had that experience, that's for sure
I imagine you're right about the type of attention a blonde get. Every guy in the world of all types will hit on her.Many of The same guys would walk on by if she were a brunette. Weird.

DineBoo said...

Hi,
I was looking around for interracial relationship/marriage blogs and found yours. Your comments are spot on.

As a black woman married to a Navajo man, I just love how he loves the way I look, treats me like a queen, and his willingness to learn how to apply a relaxer. In return, I love learning how to make his traditional foods, learning his language, and taking care of him.

It can be funny, though. Since my husband can be mistaken for being Hispanic, we've gotten some real interesting looks from them as well as black men. When he starts speaking Navajo, the look on their faces are priceless!

Anonymous said...

Hi from anonymous in Ohio. I occasionally chat on ICQ and have made some nice male friends in various European countries. I just recently became friends with a man from Turkey who saw my picture on my ICQ profile. I guess I can assume that most, if not all Turkish people would be considered "white". He told me that he felt that Black women are very beautiful and attractive and that he likes brown/dark skin. I was so flattered and impressed. He has given me numerous compliments and calls me his "chocolate princess". My complexion actually is a carmel tan shade but this man is totally smitten by me and the pics that I sent him by email. It is nice to know that not everyone is swayed by blonde hair and blue eyes. He appears to be totally NONCOLORSTRUCK!!! yeah!!! I am even thinking about planning a trip to Turkey in 2009. I hear that Turkey is relatively safe and there is no major terrorism to worry about. Turkey gets a lot of tourists from other EU countries. it has been awhile since I travelled overseas and have never been to that part of the world. I am looking forward to meeting my new friend and also looking forward to some sightseeing. I hear that Turkey has some impressive ruins and I like learning about ancient cultures and history. Anyway, please keep up the good work and wish me good luck.Also, my new Turkish male friend is 46 yrs old and a MATURE MAN, not a shallow little boy.

Superwoman said...

Maybe where I live is different
(England), but I haven't had any problems with finding men of colour who aren't stuck on skintone.

I have had all sorts of guys take interest in me of various different ethnic backgrounds.

The ethnic guys I have dated retained their cultural identity, and maintained a British one; so we did find some common ground.

"I definitely share your "distate" for exclusionary phrases like "distate for WM." I used it as an example of the kind of thinking I sometimes encounter when people discuss IRRs, and why they will or won't date "certain people." I tend to believe that almost all of these preferences arise from socialization, and that we actually owe it to ourselves to think critically about why we want what we want--or don't want what we don't want."

Aimee, isn't it possible that some of us find different traits or looks desirable? What is sexy and handsome to you might be ugly and undesirable to others.

I think that socialization plays its part to a degree, but I think that it is absurd to suggest that this is the case for every Black woman who is disinterested in White men.

Sometimes the reasoning behind our preferences isn't all too complex.

----------------------------------

I find it hypocritical that people don't want to have their own preferences challenged, yet they are quick to find 'excuses' for why others don't think as they do.

I've noticed this attitude on some BW IR blogs. You would think that Black women who proclaim to be so 'openminded' would accept that and let it go.

Practise what you preach.

(FYI: The rest of my comments weren't targeted at you Aimee) :)

I just needed to get this off my chest.

It irks me because I am interested in vibing with other Black women who date IR.

But some of them are so up their own ar*e and want to judge you if your preferences aren't in line with theirs.

You would think that they of all people should know and do better.

Happy New Years Eve to you all! :)