Tuesday, September 4, 2007

The 'Superbad' Syndrome

Let me start this blog by noting that I haven't seen Superbad, and this isn't a review of the movie, which I have heard is quite funny. The Superbad Syndrome I refer to isn't a critique of the film itself, but refers instead to the emblematic theme that is repeated in much of the the advertising I've seen for the movie: the longing of nerdy/skinny/fat/unpopular/poor guys for conventionally hot and desirable girls as a triumph of the spirit with which we should all identify. "Great," I thought as I watched the commercials. "The ugly guy gets the hot chick--again."

Whether its the King of Queens, Yes, Dear, According to Jim, Knocked Up, Beauty and the Geek, or anything starring Jack Black or Rob Schneider, the image of the Schlub and the Supermodel is iconic in our culture. Implicit in this image is the idea that it is natural and normal for all men to desire conventionally beautiful women, even when the men themselves are conventionally ugly. Vague, poorly articulated "theories" of evolutionary biology are utilized to support the assertion that every man has a biological imperative to seek a harem of 20-year old anorexic blonds with breast implants as a function of the need to reproduce their genetic heritage.

Strangely, such theories are rarely propounded to support the idea that women long for young, tall, muscular men for the same reasons. We rarely see movies or television shows in which wisecracking fat women or homely AV-club chicks get the hot captain of the football team--not unless their "homeliness" can be overcome by little more than removing their glasses and letting down their hair to reveal a beautiful swan.

And the idea that women might seek wealthier, more successful men with a greater capacity to be breadwinners and support families on the basis of the same forces of "natural selection" is roundly rejected; it isn't "nature" that inspires such preferences in women, but materialism and greed. The message is clear: men have a right to have standards; women do not.

As usual, this reasoning is taken to a punitive extreme with black women, who are routinely excoriated by "brothas" and "sistas" like Sabrina Lamb, who argue that black career women are "just too picky," because of their unwillingness to smile warmly at broom-wielding strangers on the streets of NYC.

Lamb does not explicitly explain what being "too picky" means, other than being "hell-bent on marrying a corporate brother" or failing to forage the "safe havens" where "good brothers" have allegedly sequestered themselves: "the barbershop . . . financial workshops . . . night school, political campaigns, sporting events or out on the back porch."

While BW who want to meet men must stop spending their free time hanging out with girlfriends, BM don't have to change anything about how they spend their discretionary hours--indeed, they don't even have to leave their backporches.

Lamb insists that a "good" BM is not hard to find--but she doesn't provide much substance to her description of what makes a BM "good." On the other hand, what makes a BW "good" is not her education, professional achievement or financial independence, but her "softness," and her willingness to skulk around barbershops and backporches hunting for a man (which hardly comports with traditional notions of "softness" and femininity, by the way). Since BM neither have to rely on achievement OR effort to be "good," that doesn't leave much more than the Superbad Syndrome to tell us what makes such men worthwhile: we are told at the outset that they are the protagonists for whom we should be rooting (see, e.g., www.encourageabrotha.com). Unfortunately, real life is not a movie or a sitcom--in real life, knowing what you want and respecting yourself enough to insist on it is simply part of healthy maturity.

For example, I never cared much about a man's income, but I cared very much about his money-management skills, frugality, and demonstrated ability to live within his means. These are important values to me. A large income, educational attainment and a successful career may be important values to other women, for perfectly valid reasons. My point isn't that women should also hold out for 20-year old blonds with washboard abs, or reject janitors and pudgy shlubs. My point, as always, is that our choices must be reflections of our own values, our own interests, and our own assessments of what will make us happy in life.

This is why I've never had a problem with a BW who, after thoughtful reflection, decides that her mate must be black, and is at peace with whatever the consequences of that choice may be. My only critique has been of sistas who (1) decide that their mate must be black, and then insist that their chances of finding such a mate are the same as women with no such criteria, and (2) waste precious life energy gnashing their teeth and tearing their hair over random BM who feel no such "loyalty."

When, as I mentioned above, that I could never marry a man who could not live within his means, I knew that living in America, that would drastically reduce the pool of otherwise marriageable men that I had to choose from--conspicuous consumption and keeping up with the Joneses is a way of life for most Americans. While I believe in marriage and recognize it's important role not only to individual, but societal well-being, I was also comfortable with the possibility that my particular standards might mean that I would not find the right "one," at least not right away. I was confident the time would come, and made sure to stay attractive, social, and above all, relaxed. But I was happy with myself, my family, my friends, and my career; my life was full--now, it is simply fuller.

I know sistas who prefer BM who have the same perspective, and they have nothing but my respect. Whatever your choice, it is right if you're at peace with it. If you're angry, frustrated, fearful, and feel powerless in the face of your future, it is not right. This is how the Sabrina Lamb's of the world can prey on such BW's insecurities: they never articulate precisely what these women are supposedly doing "wrong." They never point out precisely what they should be seeking that is "right." They simply create apocryphal tales of snooty gold diggers who only want "corporate brothers" and refuse to smile at "regular" BM.

In Ms. Lamb's "Superbad" fantasy world of ill-defined "good brothas" and hard-headed career women, smiling more and being soft are all that's required to get what you need. You don't have to figure out what you need first, and you certainly don't have to expect the men you encounter to actually fulfill those needs. Just stop demanding Jaguars and five-star dinners, and your blue-collar "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" prince will drop into your lap like manna from heaven.

Remember ladies--life is not a movie. In real life, you write the script, and must what qualities are "heroic." Don't serve anybody else's agenda.

31 comments:

Pamela said...

This has been amazing to read. I reflected on my years in the bc. Pretty much every phrase and/or scenario mentioned here was played out in one form or another. Basically if you were able to count past 10 and had more than $5 in your checking account or dared to have more than a high school education you must deny all of that in order to get a bm. I said in my head 'when hell freezes over'. I paid a dear price at that bc by having rumors spread about my lack of desire for men (I'm being diplomatic here). All because I wanted a man that I had something in common with. Most of the men I met during those years had not had the same experiences I had, mainly because I had earned college degrees. That was not necessarily my focus in conversation. I had other things on my mind. Unfortunately there was no interest when they found out what type work I did.

As you stated men can pick and choose and have a desire of what they want but we have no such rights. If that is the only type of men I am around I will gladly stay by myself. I will NEVER deny who I am or allow someone to define my view of myself. NEVER EVER. Sad to say many people think like those described in this post. I wlll avoid them like the plague and have a good time with people that are going somewhere and have similar values as myself.

foreverloyal said...

Isn't that the truth.

Phoenix Sun said...

Excellent post, Aimee. I'm loving your critical thinking skills.

I can relate to what Pamela has shared. Holding your back straight and your head held high was ok until it was found out that you weren't giving the brothas the time of day. The reason why was because the majority of them that I encountered were bitter, angry, uncouth, and had a deep hatred for black women. However, this didn't stop them from trying to get in my pants. When I refused to participate in this type of dysfunctional mating dance I was labeled gay and was severely harassed-even with physical violence. I was cursed out on a weekly basis.

All I've ever wanted was basic human decency. It seems like the most fundamental level of mutual respect is seen in the bc as strange and incomprehensible. I felt I was living in the Twilight Zone. I remember when I started going to college how excited I was. An ex-friend told me to stop showing off. I had to censor myself on what I could say because if I shared that I got really good grades it was seen as a negative. This is one of the reasons why this woman and people like her are no longer my friends.

Another thing I will never understand is this pressure to smile at any type of black guy. My Asian and white female friends admitted they don't understand this type of 'street courting' that blacks have such a penchant for. Why do women HAVE to say hello to men on the street? And if they choose not to, why does that warrant a public tongue lashing from the ignored man?

I also have a problem with telling women to smile. If a woman wants to smile that's fine, and if she doesn't feel like it, that should be respected too. Just because you don't smile doesn't mean you're this sad, angry woman. Talk about assumptions-GMAB. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Always notice it is women who are expected to smile? No one would ever tell a man to smile like a jack-o-lantern in public. Society respects men's physical and private space. Women on the other hand can be violated and can be told by perfect strangers on how they should act.

I understood the consequences of not following the bc's rules. It was well worth the price. I thank God that I never gave in to fit in.

pioneervalleywoman said...

Yes, smiling at any "Tom, Dick and Harry," in many of the major urban environments where most black women live is bound to get a woman mugged or raped.

So black women are told by their parents and families to achieve, and the civil rights movement leaders fought for that right, but when we do, there is something wrong with that, because others might feel resentful, men in particular.

What is interesting here that many are forgetting, and which you are reminding us of, Aimee, is that merely sharing a racial heritage alone is not necessarily sufficient.

By merely being a "bmw," a black male, working, he is a prince, or a king (according to that pseudo pan Africanism, that all blacks in Africa were kings and queens. Yet, do these "kings" always treat bw as "queens," or are they "queens" only when they submit mindlessly to men's will?

But many want us to take that view, smile at complete strangers, and give them our all, without their having to give us anything in return, or even having to earn our devotion.

Zabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zabeth said...

Excellent, well written post, Aimee. You brought up a lot of really excellent points. Things that I needed to reminded of and I'm sure all women need to be aware of.

Anonymous said...

HEADS UP EVERYBODY.............
September 25, 2007 - Congress to Hold Hearings on Negative Portrayals Of Black Women in Media ( LUNCH UPDATE)

Please go to whataboutourdaughters.blogspot.com

mekare said...

"I paid a dear price at that bc by having rumors spread about my lack of desire for men...."

"When I refused to participate in this type of dysfunctional mating dance I was labeled gay..."

I feel relieved that someone else has experienced this issue. Personally, I haven't been told this by anyone in the bc but in my family. I have spoken to my mother numerous times about my feelings in regards to black men, black male-female relationships, ect. To sum it up, I have displayed various emotions from disgust, anger, panic, sadness and betrayal.

I have told her that I did not want to be bothered with black males because everything is a struggle and that I am tired.

Her response was, "so you don't like men" (it wasn't a question, but a statement) and "don't say that out loud to anyone or you will be called gay."

I always respond by asking what have I done to make you think that I am gay? She responds with a solid answer but warns and repeats that people are going to say I am gay. Based off of the above comments, I guess that is true.

Anonymous said...

Hand raised.

I too have been accused of being a lesbian, just because I didn't pander to societal expectations of me. I no longer speak to my family, not solely because of this reason, but for an endless number of reasons that are too deep and wide to share here.

It just seems to me, that black women are not supposed to have standards. If you do, you are immediately seen as suspect.

Evia says : said...

I understood the consequences of not following the bc's rules. It was well worth the price. I thank God that I never gave in to fit in.

^^^5, Phoenix Sun. I've always felt exactly the same way.

When I looked at the bc's rules and looked at the high price I would have to pay with chunks of my life in order to make the bc happy, I decided when I was about 20, that it was better for me to pay the price. As you said, it was well worth paying that price to live a fulfilling life than to stay in the box.

And Aimee, I wish that, as you said in a previous piece, that bw who choose to stay in the box could just stay in the box and stop complaining or getting bitter OR get out of the box without expecting anyone to give them permission to do so or give them their blessings. I just could never believe that anyone who TRULY cares about me would want me to stay in that box.

Anonymous said...

They think it's better for us to be in the box. Because outside of the box, we're unprotected, loathed, ridiculed, maliciously gossiped about, etc, etc.

And they're right.

I've felt very alone in the world because of my inability to be what others want me to be. But I wouldn't have much respect for myself if I toed anyone's line.

Let Love Rule said...

Ladies that have been called gay or 'wannabe white" , I raise my hand too. You are not alone.

We have to arm ourselves with knowledge and truth and create an armor of love around ourselves.

I have to tell this story. I was once in asubway and a perfectly physiclly healthy bm was begging for money at the turnstile. I ignored him. And what did he state chanting, "Oh, you think you white, she think she white."

Mind you I didn't say a word to him, but I thought to myself if "being white" means I have a job and don't beg in the subway, I'll take it. LOL

And that's how you have to be. Try to find humor in it and not let it bother you because the people who call you gay or "wanna be" are just very confused and ignorant. And you really don't want their approval anyway.

Daphne said...

Loving the blog, Aimee, and your writing style!

For the record, I saw Superbad this weekend (against my will). It wasn't particularly funny. There were certainly humorous moments, but this type of movie is targeted to a specific audience - men who, rather real or perceived, past or present, fall under the "schlub" category. The chubby teenager was particularly offensive and had no regard for women, but he was magically "redeemed" at the end by "saving" his best friend. I think I was supposed to feel sorry for him solely because he was overweight, and forget that he was a bully and a**hole, even to his best friends. Not so much.

Anyhoo, on another thread I referenced a movie/book blog I frequent where similar points were made by women regarding these types of films. Of course, this is when the petty insults and subtle condescension abounded. I was struck by one particular poster, who was otherwise intelligent and respectful of the female POV, and his belligerence over why he couldn't just enjoy the movie and why did all movies need a socio-political slant and we're misusing the term misogyny because the girls weren't naked blah blah. As Aimee so succintly said: men are allowed to have standards and women are not.

Well, forget that. I have never cared about grand financial wealth so much as fiscal astuteness. I fully agree that women must learn to evaluate a man's character. However, it really burns my cookies when women are chastised for having physical standards as well. Example: men are rarely chided for desiring a women who maintains her figure (healthily) and cares about her appearance. To men's credit, that does not always equate to 24/7 makeup and high heels. Women are always encouraged to look at the character of a man (sometimes, singularly). I'm not implying that this advice is bad - it most certainly isn't. What I disagree with is that women seem to be discouraged from desiring physical attraction as well as character from a man - as if the two cannot coexist. I will never agree with that. That's probably an unpopular opinion, though.

LaDonna said...

It amazes me the constant sexual embarrassment black women are subjected to by black men just for walking down the street. The old ones leer at you, rub their nipples, and blow kisses. The young ones call you a stuck up bitch. Its gotten to the point where I feel fear and try to avoid walking past black male strangers. I also hate being told to smile by random dirty old men who think my sole purpose in life is to entertain them.

gatamala said...

I hear you Ladonna! BM in DC have killed my Southern desire to be friendly.

Aimee, it's like you live in my head! :)

This post is dead on. I get tired of men throwing out "nature" arguments, but forgetting that women have "natural" desires too! A female looks for the "fittest" mate who will look out for her and her young. What's "fit" obviously will be shaped by culture, but financial acumen AND attractiveness surely figure in to that preference.

I hate to say it.....

for the past 10 years, blacks have been subjected to VIDEOS that portray a very, very male fantasy. Consider the harem of naked women gyrating for the ugliest men you've ever seen (Cash Money). Consider the doo rag types checkin out a woman in designer clothes OR a business suit!!

My non-black friends don't have to put up with lesser men bothering them. In other cultures, folks tend to show some respect (deference even) to those who have attained a certain level of career or education. But not the mules of the world. We are still treated as bitches and hoes.

Sometimes I want to say, "I'm wearing a SUIT. You are wearing a DOO RAG. Life is not a video, I'm way out of your league pal!"

Anonymous said...

knockoutchick says:

BTW, I too, have be labeled Lesbian :-)

There is a grown up BM, healthy, 40's who stands in front of a deli near my office begging for change.

He stands and holds his hands out to all who pass...and he will flirt with women. Because I never responded to the flirts and requests for $$$. He now acts as if he is IGNORING me. And waves his hand at me derisively when I pass.

Mind you, I see him day in and day out as I am going to work everyday...he is in front of the deli...everyday. A few months back another younger healthy in appearance BM was passing by also begging. When I walked up, the older man who said to the young one. "Don't ask her nothing, she won't help a brother out" "That's why I always ask the white ones, black women won't give you anything.

The younger man followed up with.."You are right about that, BW won't give you a dime, I leave them alone"

No shame! But also why would you assume you could FLIRT with a tin cup in your hand. At least he doesn't yell insults...most likely because this is Manhattan, had this occurred in Brooklyn, Harlem or any other majority black nabe. He would have followed up with a string of profane insults when I didn't give hime my # and or $$$$. :-)

Men regardless of their appearance, well being, status all want the most beautiful girl...I get that!

But why are we reprimanded when we ask for the same???

This thread reminds me of a great scene in the film "Shallow Hal" where the Jason Alexander character explains why he could never date the beautiful girl who lives near he and the Jack Black character. His reasoning is ...she had ugly toes. He admits that she is quite good looking but says he could never be seen out with a girl who had toes like that! LOL.
Now we all know what Jason Alexander looks like.

Lastly, I think the "schlub" and the beauty syndrome has legs because most women are LESS concerned with physical appearance than men, this has always been true. And further we continue to have note worthy, famous and celebrity examples which receive a lot of press of beauty and "beast" connections.

Paulina Poroikova and Ric Ocasek
Beyonce and Jay Z
Biggie Smalls and anybody
Larry David and Laurie David

Just a few...

Peace

Ndelible said...

On point!

I have complained about commmercials for the longest. You ever noticed that in most married couple commercial, the women are usually thin and somewhat good looking, while the husband is fat, and balding. Check out that Jim Belushi show. Yeah, right. I know that it sends the signal that plain men can get pretty women, but come on!

A few months ago, 20/20 did a show on mismatched mates. One was a thin man with a very large woman and another was a plain woman with a very handsome husband. She said she called such matches "interfacial" relationships. Everyone expects men to have better looking spouses, but not women - and that's most likely true with weight as well.

Ndel's World

Anonymous said...

I remember watching a Family Guy (which, as a parody of sitcoms, features a fat husband/slender wife pairing) episode where Lois Griffin (the wife) gains weight. Her husband proceeds to publically berate and humiliate her about it, and when she reminds him that he's fat as well, he says, "fat men aren't fat, only fat women are fat". So men do acknowledge the existence of 'Superbad' syndrome, if only sporadically.

SheCodes said...

"...beauty and "beast" connections.

Paulina Poroikova and Ric Ocasek
Beyonce and Jay Z
Biggie Smalls and anybody
Larry David and Laurie David

Just a few..."


Sorry for coming so late in the coversation... but this quote had me ROFL...

JJ said...

LOL at

"Don't ask her nothing, she won't help a brother out" "That's why I always ask the white ones, black women won't give you anything.

The younger man followed up with.."You are right about that, BW won't give you a dime, I leave them alone"


Some of the tenor of the remarks on this post seem to be,
"Oh those bad black men don't wanna be bothered with them. All those brothers are awful"

Not sure I agree with that take but to each her own.

Haven't been accused of being a lesbian but my mother has.

Have been accused of hating Black men. Which I find laughable.

Anytime I point out that no other group of women are expected to take the worst of the worst of their men, I get jumped on.

Any time I suggest that a man should have an adequate education and be able to take care of his family, I get jumped on.

Anytime I point out that its easier to tell Black men to step up their game then it is to tell Black women to lower their standards and change sho they are, I get jumped on.

And Lord help me if I suggest that the best thing for Black women to do is to recognize that Brothers aren't hte only men out there and instead find the best man for you...you'd think I'd just called for the Klan to come in and wipe out hte entire Black race. LOL.

This perpetual race to the bottom has got to stop. And Black women are going to have to be the ones to stop it b/c many Brothers are making out like fat rats so there is no need for them to change.

My homeboy (who is Black) said the day Black women start to hold Black men to higher standards that's the day the race will make a monumental shit.

He said if sisters start saying "You need an MBA before I'll give you the time of day" then Black men will start to step up their game.

I laughed.

Obviously he's exaggerating about he MBA but he was making the point that too many Sisters give Brothers a pass on not doing anything with their lives...and then reward them for such behavior by any number of means.

Find the best man I say. Black, White or otherwise.

Pamela said...

JJ,

I had to laugh and smile:) I just keep quiet and live my life. They have heard what I have to say. They choose to come after me and stay in their delusion. I keep my standards and look at them SMH.

I am experiencing a peaceful life and look at those sad deceived people with pity. Hopefully what I and others have said to them will kick in one day. Hopefully that day is not far away. I plan to live the rest of my days with joy and peace knowing that I made my own choices.

Anonymous said...

knockoutchick says:

Ohhh my apologies did not think those exchanges I posted where intended to paint all BM as bad.

All I can say is...NYC is ROUGH! Ask any woman who lives in NY what she experiences everyday on the street. I try to post things I think are kind of funny! The fluff.

If I posted some of the hardcore stuff, mouths would drop open in disbelief.

But will keep in mind.

Peace

JJ said...

LOL. No, No, NO. That wasn't directed at u knockoutchick.

I thought what u said was funny. I've seen/heard that go down before...

Keep'em coming I say.

lala said...

According to many black men, black women dont know how to choose a good man. That usually they go for the thuggish types. That black women often step over the nice guys for bad boys or someone good looking/pretty boy. Do you guys think there is any truth to this. Do black women know how to evaluate and choose good men?

Anonymous said...

some black women are bad at choosing men and some give in to loneliness and pressure to "raise a man up" and willfuly make wrong decision. some are good at making decisions at mates but as this rubs people the wrong way, the call these women's choices the wrong ones. basically if you are not choosing that man or the man that people want you to save you are making a bad choice.

listening to bm and acting as if everything that comes out of their mouths is manna is ridiculous. random black man's chatter is not more important than your experience or wisdom. it just seems that some women are so desperate for bm attention that even negative attention keeps them going.

as far as expecting too much. bw are the most likely to be involved with men that are not educationally and financially advanced. i think this is more due to indoctrination than anything since this type of behavior is encouraged in groups where education and ambition generally aren't advocated. find a family that values education and ambition and it would be a surprise to find their daughter married to a playstation playing, can't even take care of the kids- you must hire a baby sitter unemployed individual.

knockout chick speaks the truth. bw on the streets of ny are often subject of physical and verbal assault by bm who think they are owed attention from every bw. and it's very noticeable that this behavior is directed to bw the vast majority of the time.

the easiest way not to deal with other people's baggage is to not let them know your business. the people i know who are acquainted with me that are not supportive only get certain info and intermingling from me. think of it as rehab. people in recovery are generally encouraged to avoid those still in the life. similarly if you want to live a positive life, stay away from the negative nellies. although use your discretion.... some criticism is actually good and you can benefit by taking heed. just show up with a man that you like. if people were so concerned about bw and welfare and mate choices black people would encourage not only their sons but their daughters to mate and create families instead of encouraging their sons to roam the earth and their daughters to be less so that even disease infested beggars can rhapsodize and feel that they are their betters.

Anonymous said...

Everybody (except one's peers) says not to date thugs, and I don't, but about, I'd say 40% of the guys that hit on me are "thugs", and the other 60% are older men (almost twice my age). I'd rather date neither, so where does that leave a girl, exactly? You're excoriated/exploited if you choose the former, and exploited if you choose the latter (I guess that's a step up), and if you choose neither... you're "stuck up", dateless, and there's constant accusations and implications that you have "unrealistic standards." I know dating thugs is bad for girls, but on the other hand, I understand that sometimes those are the only men gregarious enough to make their romantic (prurient, rather) intentions known. I imagine it can be even more difficult if a woman has a "bad boy" fetish -- which I thankfully don't.

Leigh said...

Aimee: Your comments are poignant and very thought provoking. The responses to your comments are also very interesting and enlightening.

I can speak from personal experience about lowering your standards. I never really had any interest in shall we say the DBRM. I went to college and frankly I never saw any black men on a campus of 30,000 remotely interested in black women. Now some black women that angered but me I thought so what. I also did not have a lot of the same interests. For example I liked alternative music and even though I am in my 30's now I still like alternative music.

Well anyway I compromised my standards when I met my daughter's father. He did not have the same interests and in fact thinking about our relationship there were numerous times he stated I was not "black enough" or I was “weird.” He is 12 years older than me and at the time I met him he was not pursing any type of higher education. I was getting my Masters degree at that time and now I have my Educational Specialist degree.

Out of the relationship the only thing positive is my daughter. I have suffered a lot at the hands of my daughter's father all because I thought I should give a DBRM a chance. Ladies please learn from my mistakes never compromise.

I am happy to say I am now married to a wonderful man who shares all of my interests: strong values about education, loves alternative music, enjoys the small things in life and definitely believes in good money management. My husband is white. I am not saying a black man can't have these qualities but it has been my life experience that they don't. I also outside of my grandfather who is deceased have never really seen black men be respectful of black women.

We must continue to move forward and stop following the rules of the black community. These rules can be very detrimental and life is to short to suffer from unnecessary abuse.

Pamela said...

To anonymous: I have been in the same boat. It depends on what you really want. I do not know your circumstances but I do know this. It sounds that deep down you do not want to settle for a ball and chain the rest of your life. The decision I have made and you must make is this: Is it more important to 'have someone' or to be happy? Right now that is the choice you have since you have not been fortunate enough to meet a decent man. I used the words 'decent man' purposely because that is want all women want deep down.

I have been called everything in the book, including one that hates men. I endured this because I wanted a man that I had things in common with and found attractive. To me if I do not have anything in common with the man I don't care if he is attractive. I do not want him. It does not seem to matter what you want. If you do not want what is presented before you there is something wrong with you. I gladly challenged people with that mindset and ended up being accused because of it.

I chose to change who I associated with. There is no reason to waste time on people that want to make your decisions for you, then come after you for making those choices under pressure. I have never been wired like that and at 47 will never be.

I want to meet someone like most women. HOWEVER I do not want someone at the expense of what I want in a relationship. I could care less what people think about my approach to a relationship. I know I'm not crazy for wanting a dependable man with an education and one that respects me as a human being. That is not a crazy desire. Anyone that tells me that I will call them hypocrits to their face. I'm too old to care what they think. If they are bold enough to tell me what they think then they should be man or woman enough to hear me out. I'm glad I do not run into that these days. I can spot these types out and I gladly leave them alone. I have much peace these days.

I want to make it clear. I am not single because I exclusively date bm. I just have not met anyone where the two of us connected. I am a Christian that wants to marry another Christian. That narrows the playing field for me. However that is something I must have.

Please do not let what people say about you stop you from desiring and pursuing wholesome and healthy relationships with someone that you feel comfortable with. You have already expressed that those that are accusing you do not care anything about your welfare at all. They want to run your life. When you get older you will have regrets listening to fools. I have none at all at this point. I will gladly stay alone rather than end up with someone that I know full well is not worth my time because he is does not have the goal that I do, that is, to have a committed marriage.

Tanisha said...

This is absolutely the best blog I've come across in such a long time! This is exactly what I've been talking about with my friends about for YEARS! You put it so well that I may never have to talk about it again! LOL

I plan to post this blog everywhere I can (with soooo much love shown to you for writing it, of course!) and see if we can't get some sort of dialogue going.

Thanks for putting a name to it for us all! and yes, superbad was fan-freakin-tastic! check it out when you can.

~T~

Selena said...

Great post. This is why I've been coming back and staying up to 2 AM. Keep the thought provoking commentary flowing!

Anonymous said...

Who CARES is you BLACK women want whitey! No problem just remember when the nooses are being hung out on you and your white man's door DON'T come crying for us black men to take up arms against the white racists that will hang the both of you!

AND THIS GOES FOR BLACK MEN WITH WHITE WOMEN TOO!